035-golfsthailand

S̄wạs̄dī all you virtual travel bugs!

This week’s edit is tailor-made for all the wanderlust junkies out there who are in desperate need of a travel fix between actual trips.

To anyone not looking for a virtual vacay to the tropical paradiso known to the world as Thailand, ‘C̄hī̀ pid!’ For the rest of us keen little beans let’s get on with it, shall we?

Welcome to your virtual Thai vacay (to everyone who we didn’t lose to google translate).

Allow me to introduce you to Golf Anuwat.

Actor, model and our host with the most, who for the purposes of this edit will be determining all the hotspots on our Thai-tinerary.

Involuntary tour guides don’t come any hotter than this.

So buckle up those virtual seat belts, recline that virtual economy seat-back, down a tiny flight-sized gin bottle for every time I said the word ‘virtual’ and we will be there in no time at all.

As a massive fan of any destination with a healthy dose of onomatopoeia combined with a willy ref in its name, I was thrilled when our imaginary travel consultant settled on this as our first stop.

And where better to fuel up for our exploration than at Bluetamp Cafe.

Apart from the nutso delicious Campos coffee they have shipped in from those coffee mad Aussies ‘downundah,’ there are a few dishes you will be needing to force down your pie-holes.

Including, but not limited to; their dippy-egg smorgasbord, the caramelized banana toast, and their take on the classic, Eggs Benedict.

While this dish may have been invented by one particularly hungover Wall Street Broker named Lemuel Benedict at the Waldorf Hotel in 1894 New York, these clever buggers have elevated it to #4 on THE X CARTEL Must-Have Eggs list for 2019*.

Next stop, Phuket, where you and your tour guide will be checking in to the honeymoon suite at The Rosewood because all the double room suites were conveniently booked out. Yo welcome!

This gem of a hotel is aptly located along the 600-meter shore of Emerald Bay. And if that isn’t enough to excite all you jaded virtual travellers, then the private horizon pools, beach bars and Asaya Spa should do the trick.

Any resort which lists ‘relaxing beside the beachfront pool’ as an ‘activity’ sounds like just the spot for me.

After all those exhausting ‘activities’ you are probably just about ready to eat again. Which is why our next stop is a 45-minute drive to Phuket’s favourite gigantic lobster adorned restaurant Tu-Kab-Khao!

Not only is this a favourite for delicious traditional Thai cuisine with all those cool in-the-know locals, but it also offers free wifi. Which will come in handy for anyone who is #despers to post whatever jazzy selfie they took with all the jazzy graffiti outside.

‘Who the hell says 'jazzy' anymore?’ I hear you say.

Well, this is my virtual reality trip so you will say whatever I imagine you saying. Just like I imagined Thailand’s dreamiest The Mask Singer host to be your personal chaperone.

So get your hot arses dolled up, you still have sundowners and dinner at The Rosewood Shack to get through before the trip is done!